I wrote this piece many years ago, but it seems particularly apt in 2021. Many people are struggling with too much aloneness, while others revel in it - but either way, I believe balance is everything. Everyone's perfect balance point for solitude is a little different, though.

Wild Cat - Rejection of society and relationships. Mistrust, fear and defensiveness coupled with great personal resourcefulness. Loss of identity through dilution. That's the definition I have given to this card. Self sufficiency is a lonely place, and while survival skills are great to have, I believe that so much more can be achieved through community effort, and having others to share the load usually makes for more fun, too!

The Wild Cat is about rejecting society or the company of others. Taking this position in life may be a great teacher for awhile, but over the long haul, it can bring problems, too. In nature, the Wild Cat is shy and fearful of strangers, and this is not a quality I would wish on anyone, but the other side of the coin, self sufficiency, is definitely an asset. In case you are not familiar with the animal I am talking about, this is a small cat (Felis silvestris grampia) now only found in the Scottish Highlands. It is about the same size as a domestic cat, but don't confuse it with feral domestic cats who have reverted to living as wild. This is a distinct animal which has been in it's habitat for a very long time. A real native.

When this card comes up in a reading I might be wondering whether the person has short-term lessons to learn from the Wild Cat, or whether they habitually take up a position that is described by it. Whether our Wild Cat tendencies are temporary or deeply ingrained, when this card occurs, I believe that it's worth looking at whether things are out of balance. Is the card calling our attention to an irrational need to be alone and fiercely independent? Is it asking us whether we really need to be like a Wild Cat when we might be happier living in closer community with others? Or is it merely pointing out that we need to be aware of our tendencies in this direction? 

One of the greatest threats to the Wild Cat as a species is its ability to interbreed with domestic cats, and so there may be a lesson here as far as giving up one's identity too readily, whether for the sake of a mate or for some similar reason. In a reading, the card might be pointing out real potential for something like this to happen, or calling your attention to a situation which already exists. It might also be pointing to an unfounded or habitual concern about this sort of thing.

I drew this card in a reading I did for myself awhile back, in which I was asking a question about how to make more money. In my case, I'm not really a loner, but I do feel okay about spending a lot of time alone if that is what life throws at me, and at the moment it has. I'm living in a very rural situation and don't have a lot of direct contact with people. I had just slipped into that lifestyle without giving it much thought. However, I knew the card was reminding me that I needed to get into circulation a bit more, if I wanted to earn more, which proved to be correct. So in my case, this card highlighted how my ability to manage on my own, while it's really a positive thing, wasn't working in my favour with regard to the question I asked in the reading.

After the ice age, forests slowly covered much of Europe. This took millennia, but eventually Britain and much of Europe was covered in forest, probably much of it closed canopied and dense. This would have made overland travel difficult and dangerous, and is one reason for concentrated coastal settlements in early Europe. People positioned themselves for the best of both worlds - abundant fishing and abundant firewood and game. They also lived near the best source of travel and trading - the sea. It was only when they made the gradual shift from hunter-gatherers to herders that their relationship to the forest changed.

This changed the forest, too, gradually widening the open areas into pastures, and gradually taking more wood products out as lifestyles changed and populations increased. This new way of living was carried further and further inland. As natural clearings were enlarged for settlements, and growing crops became more important, people began to have a new relationship with the forest. Paths through it connected hamlets and villages and people had more business in the woods. It still remained a place of mystery and possible danger, yet slowly became a place much loved and depended upon, as well.

As Europe moved into the middle ages, the age of kings, things changed again. Laws of the forest were enacted from Russia to England which decreed that the chief products of the forest - wood and game - were the property of the kings. This, too, was a gradual process arising from feudalism, which reached its height in Britain and France under the Norman kings. Yet, unfair as it was to the native peoples of the land, it slowed the clearing process.

Out of these various times, different heroes, monsters and lore of the woods developed, and while moorland and coastline can also be wild and mysterious places, the forest retained a hold on the imagination in a unique way. That might be partly because so much remains hidden from view there, but I suspect a kind of ancestral or collective memory also plays a part. Even though our earliest European ancestors may have been loathe to venture into the woods without good reason, we ultimately look back to a time when the all encompassing forest was the norm. As each era sees more felling and clearing, each generation looks back, often with longing, to a time of more trees, of deeper woods. In this way, the forest becomes our past, holding our ancestors under its canopy, decaying and being reabsorbed under its leaf litter and moss.

Trees are a kind of sister race to mankind. We live amongst them, journeying through our lives side by side, yet at such a differing pace. So many of the trees we meet were old when we were born, will live on after we die. We are relative mayflies and gadflies - with our short lives and great mobility, compared to the static, stable and stoic trees. Yet the spirit of the woods is more than the sum of its parts. There is a peace there. It contains the sum of abundant life and abundant passing and decay in an endless circle. A microcosm of our lives, our spiritual yearnings, our fears, our connection to nature and to the past.

I know that many of you are filled with these longings, and the desire for these connections. Go to the woods if you can. Go deep enough that you don't see out into that other normal and mundane world. Sit. Listen. Meditate. Dream. Walk.

Further reading:
British ancient forests were patchy by Sara Coelho - results of a scientific survey, which gives an easy-to-read overview of the long history of British woodland.
Into the Woods: On British Forests, Myth and Now by Ruth Padel - a really wonderful read, looking at the many roles played by woodland and nature in the British psyche, and beyond. Highly recommended!

If you enjoyed this post, you might also like The Blackface Sheep Speaks

The Meadowsweet card, with it's mention of courtship and marriage, sounds like a card of romantic relationships, and so it may be, or it may be a metaphor. The flower of this plant smells very sweet, indeed, while the leaves are different and more pungent. There is an old adage comparing this to courtship and marriage. This could also apply to beginnings and middles, generally. We often begin things with rosy enthusiasm until we get to the part where we are required to step up and grow. It is part of maturing as individuals to attempt to meet these challenges if we can, and if we consider them worth meeting.

The other aspect of this card is the free gift with no strings, no "payback". The drug we call aspirin is a synthetic version of a chemical found in several plants - willow bark, birch bark and Meadowsweet flowers. People used to take willow bark tea for aches and pains, but just like aspirin, it can make your stomach hurt or even give you ulcers. However, Meadowsweet flowers contain the same pain killer, plus another compound which protects the stomach lining. So while other comforts may have a sting, this one truly doesn't! I think that this aspect of the card can be relevant for those who are afraid to try to remedy their problems for fear of making things worse.

In times past, people used many different plants to strew the floors of their dwellings. Some were chosen for their sweet smell, others for their texture, still others helped to repel fleas and other insects. There was also lore attached to many strewing herbs regarding moods they could create or protection that they might bring, and so on. Meadowsweet was used for strewing. No doubt its aroma had a lot to do with this, but it was also believed to have the power to bring a peaceful atmosphere to bear in a home. Peace is such a healing thing, in the home, in relationships and within ourselves. It is a great vantage point from which to make plans, talk things over, and a great environment in which to work or rest. Challenges are always easier to meet when we feel calm, whether this is the challenge of getting a project or relationship back on track, or even ending one with grace and humanity, so much less damage is done in a peaceful atmosphere.

Further reading: Filipendula ulmaria - Meadowsweet from "Growing Hermione's Garden

If you enjoyed this post, you might also like I am dead yet I live, a post about the elder tree.

I look at the words above, which form the definition of the card Well in the Go Deeper oracle, and I wonder what more there is to say. Water is such a wonder to me, in any form. To have it welling up out of the ground, unbidden, is surely a kind of miracle. I actually believe that all water is sacred - the dirty river, the stuff in a plastic bottle - even in all the places we fail to see the sacred, water is there. We are mostly water. The earth is mostly water. We may ignore, defile, dirty and desecrate the sacred, we may buy it and sell it and even imprison it, but it remains sacred.

Water is a divine connection. You only have to look at the myth of the well at the centre of the world, where the salmon of knowledge swim, where the hazel trees drop their purple nuts for the salmon to eat, to know that this is both a great metaphor and a truth that we understand instinctively as water beings. Every well is a tributary of the great well, and so it is natural for sacred energy, or sacred beings, to gravitate to these places, just as it's natural for humans and animals to do so. We are thirsty - but not just for H2O. Our souls are thirsty, too, as is our energetic body.

I'm sure you know that wells are associated with knowledge and wisdom, with healing, with divination and with the granting of requests. They are a place of power. Water that has been purified by the earth carries many important minerals. However, it must also have a special energy.  Just how powerful the energetic memory of water might be is getting more interest these days among scientists. The following documentary is long, and I would be the first to suspect that it contains a fair dose of pseudo science. However, I believe that nevertheless, these scientists are following what Einstein said is most important - their intuition. There is immense food for thought here, and I really recommend taking the time to watch this, even if you consider one part or another of the whole to be questionable.

Just in case you didn't watch the video right away, it features a number of scientists who are doing research into the memory of water. Into how the molecular structure of water changes when it is influenced by all kinds of different things. Everything from human emotions to music to modern forms of water transportation and treatment are considered, and a few religious scholars and philosophers add in their thoughts along the way. The video constantly reminds us that not only is our existence defined by water, but that we have an influence over it. Perhaps that's why positive thinking works -- or prayer, or holy water and holy wells.

We know enough about how our world works to understand that water circulates. It evaporates and falls as rain, it works its way into the ground and comes up somewhere else as a spring, it flows down the sides of mountains to end up in the sea, where the process is repeated in an ancient cycle. To some extent, the scientists in the film tell us, water cleanses itself of the negative memories it acquires through things like freezing and evaporation. It wipes the slate clean. However, this also made me think that when we visit a holy well, when we bless food or drink (even the food contains water) when we bless the earth and when we bless ourselves and each other - we have the opportunity to connect with the divine in a way that is similar to that physical circulation of water. If the water heals us, perhaps this is also because we help to heal the water. If we lavish love and care on the earth and on her well-shrines, and other waters, we become part of a circulation of healing, of wisdom and knowledge, of love and gratitude.

Of all the Pagan practices that have survived many centuries of Christianity in Europe, the veneration and recourse to sacred wells is high on the list. The Roman church found it easiest to create new, saintly stories around these places, and let the traditions continue in slightly modified forms, but even in Scotland, with its long history of protestant Calvinism and accompanying concerns about "idolitry", sacred wells survived, and are visited to this day. What we perhaps lost, to some extent, was the worship and veneration, the gratitude for sacred energy that completes the circle of divine connection. In the past few centuries, the cultural climate might have been willing to allow a visit to a well to ask a favour or to say a prayer, but to be seen to be actively worshiping there was not always safe. In this way, as we moved into modern times, I think our culture perhaps lost a little of the best these places have to offer. The awe, the reverence, the holiness of these places was slowly replaced by a sense of a transaction. A place to tie a clootie, throw a coin, leave a bent pin. I am not making light of any of these traditions per se, so much as saying that there is potential, without worship, love and gratitude, without a sense of the two way working of the divine connection, to lose our place in all this.

Further reading:
Sacred Waters - Holy Wells by Mara Freeman
Holy Wells in Ireland by Mary Ellen Sweeney

There are several varieties of nettle. This card refers to the common stinging nettle - Urtica dioica. People who aren't into herbal medicine are often surprised to hear that Nettles have so many good uses. After all, they are pretty unpleasant to come in contact with, and no wonder. They contain formic acid - the same stuff that is in ant bites!

One of the oddest uses I have ever heard for Nettles, though, is this: In some places, people used to take bunches of Nettles and beat them against painful rheumatic joints. It's said that they got relief from this. Perhaps just a case of "if it doesn't kill you it might cure you!" but this picture has always stuck with me (I read about it back in the 1970s) and I think that knowing about it, I am less fearful of the Nettles' sting, and perhaps even find it less painful than many people do. I can only suppose that at least one reason this flogging helped was an effect known as counter-irritatation - which is how stuff like Deep Heat Rub works, as well. These things provide more than just a distraction from the original pain. It seems that by creating inflammation on the surface tissue, the inflammation in deeper layers is relieved somewhat. So as well as a maybe pleasant hot/cold sensation, a good counter irritant increases blood flow, removal of toxins and lots of other good stuff. I know that things like Tiger Balm and certain essential oils work for me, although I haven't tried the Nettle remedy yet!

Perhaps the question in a reading is - For what is all this a metaphor? How could creating a little discomfort in the short term, bring relief in the long term? Is there some way in which all this irritation is actually helping you get through a difficult time? Somewhere to focus your anger? A distraction? Even helping you to "clean out" emotionally?

Nettles, of course, can also be used as a food. I'm sure that you've come across things like Nettle soup, steamed Nettles as an early spring side dish or even Nettles in pesto. Nettles have lots of good things in them, including chlorophyll and many of the available minerals we need for cell development. I remember once I was having bad nosebleeds. I figured I needed something like vitamin E, or that maybe I could shove some Aloe Vera up my nose. I finally went to a herbalist who told me that when people have problems with skin/tissue, the thing they're often lacking is minerals with which to build tissue. Hmmmm.... A few days on a tea made from Nettles and other high-mineral herbs totally cured me!

So again, what's going on here that relates to your life? Is there something you need to nourish you, but the source seems too ugly, unfriendly or improbable to consider? I believe this to be one of the more obvious meanings of this card.

I have talked quite a bit about herbal medicine here. While I definitely don't consider drawing a card to be a herbal prescription, I never completely discount the possibility, either. If something resonates strongly with you on a physical level, you can always follow it up by either talking to a trained herbalist, or reading up and deciding whether self treatment with Nettles is for you. With that in mind, I am going to attach a link to an article about the vibrational uses of Nettle. More and more I'm coming to believe that often we don't need to be ingesting big  hunks of a plant to get its benefits. I use Bach Remedies a lot and this is one thing that has really shown me the way with this. I'm not necessarily recommending the company whose website the article is on - I don't know anything about them - I just think that looking at things from the vibrational perspective might be useful, and this is a great article. 

Another thing I find about Nettles is a strong dualism - pain and healing, male and female, toxins and nourishment. Maybe that's also something for you to think about. I remember once reading something along the following lines. When you have the flu - you can be sure that it won't last forever. And when you don't have the flu, you can be pretty sure that one day, you will have it again. The same goes for feeling low or depressed. The pain that feels so all pervasive when we're in the midst of it is likely to abate eventually, but likewise, times will come again when life will feel uncomfortable. This is another important aspect of the card - simply reminding us that pain is natural, just as relief from pain is also natural. As humans, both will come to us, in their turn.

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The terms "full moon" and "new moon" really describe a fleeting moment in the moon's flowing cycle of waxing and waning. Any astronomer or astrologer will tell you that the moon is only truly full or dark for a fraction of a second. As the picture below shows, the changes in the moon's shape always appear on our right as we look at it. So when the full moon begins to wane, the right side appears to be eaten away by darkness, and after the complete darkness of the new moon, the crescent of light begins to appear on the right side of the moon's circle. This flow is nice to understand, in those moments when you glance up at the moon and may wonder "Is it about to be full, or was it fuller yesterday?" and "Is the new moon coming, or has it passed?"

You may have noticed that at the full moon people and animals tend to be restless, more emotional, sleep less, and so on. Tides are higher, there is more crime - everything is powered up and highly charged. So what about the time of the new moon? Generally, this is a time of calm, of waiting. I believe that it is a great time for deep meditation of the "empty mind" type. It is a great time to make peace with ourselves, with our surroundings and with one another in a serene setting - without effort, without discussion. Just to be.

So, personally, I would take the night and day of the darkest moon as a time to do nothing. I would create a still pond on which new impressions and inspirations may be envisioned as that glimmer of light begins to show itself in the coming few days. A sort of internal scrying. Then I might begin to make plans and take actions, working my way toward the full moon when the power is strongest. There is no one right way to work with the moon's power. In some cases, I find that if I have a big, new idea I might only think and plan during an entire waxing period, and after the full moon begins to wane - I might simply let the idea begin to rest and think about it less. Then, as the moon begins to increase again, if the idea has taken root in my heart and mind, I will begin to work on it in a more concrete manner - laying groundwork, planting seeds and working with the increasing energy.

Using the natural flow of the moon's energy in this way is healthy. It allows us times of rest and reflection, times of hard work and achievement. Contemplation and celebration each find their place. Catching hold of the power of the waxing and fuller times of the moon vs taking time to simply open ourselves to the quietest of guidance, and to rest, helps to keep us in balance. In a world where we are told that "we must fulfil our potential" it is easy to feel that we must make things happen, and also easy to give up on them a little and quit trying, to feel like failures, if they don't. Just as we need to find the balance of circadian rhythms of night and day, rest and activity in order to be healthy and productive, so we can also benefit from tuning in more to the rhythm of the moon.

Another way to think about this is in terms of launching boats. Someone launching a little dinghy from the seashore can use the rhythm of the waves to make it easier to get water underneath the boat, and to get a little boost to get moving, too. A larger vessel must wait for the daily tidal changes to be right in order to be safe, perhaps even in order to float. Did I mention that the moon controls the tides?

The stag seems to be following me of late. I see him as a friendly entity. You might know him as Cernunnos, Herne or a form of the Wild Man of the Wood. In natural history, the Red Stag (or Bull Elk to North Americans) is a powerful figure, bent on procreation above all else. Metaphysically, or metaphorically, I see him as representing fatherhood and therefore a deep creative impulse. A primal urge to make something, to bring forth a representation of ones deepest being as a gift to the future.

The Red Stag came up in a reading I did recently. Here is part of what I wrote about him in that reading -

Celtic languages speak of imbas or of awen. Words that might be explained, if not exactly translated, by other words such as breath, inspiration, muse, impulse, enlightenment and so on. Where does this come from? Although I have no firm answers, I think it's an important question. The answers may lie in each person's belief system. God ... some particular god or goddess ... the soul ... the psyche ... ancestral memory. This inspiration, literally a breath blowing into us, and giving us life, is asking us to operate on a higher plane - to bring that which is beautiful to light, to be shared.

I've noticed that many people are worried about opening the door to awen in the form of meditation, or something like a card reading. Yet it is only a chance for a deeper version of a familiar experience. The experience of being moved by nature or art, the experience of creating something meaningful or of knowing something greater than ourselves. While you have probably experienced all these things in a very pleasurable way, you may have also experienced them as challenging at times. They may allow us to feel or release deep emotions, make us aware of our mortality, cause us to question our beliefs or simply to expend effort. However, we call the shots. We can walk out of the theatre if the movie is too graphic, or stay in our own garden rather than have an extreme wilderness experience, we can enjoy the creativity of raising kids, rather than painting the ceiling of the Sistine chapel.

When we meditate, we try in some way to de-clutter our thoughts. Whether we strive for an "empty" mind or a focused one, we are surely opening ourselves to imbas, as well as simply de-stressing. Fifteen minutes on the meditation cushion is unlikely to bring either nirvana nor terror, however, it could be the start of something good. It could be the start of enlightenment. It could become a chance for a regular visit to an island of peace, and a chance to begin to carry a little more peace within.

When I do a reading for someone, we are both opening ourselves to a high level of inspiration. How deep this experience goes depends partly on my skill and intention in delivering a reading. Once it is placed in your hands, though, it becomes your responsibility. You get to call the shots. You can take it lightly, with a grain of salt, if it doesn't suit you, or you can over think it to such a degree that it drives you a little nuts. (I hope you don't do that, of course!) I hope that it becomes a little piece of awen that moves through me to you. I hope that it inspires your life in some great ways, but you have to take it, and make it yours and work with it for this to happen. I do believe that this is another reason that you have nothing to fear from a reading. You deal with the material in your own time, on your own terms.

Sometimes it's hard to know whether we're on the right track - with our careers, with our long term plans, with our choice of projects, and with our relationships with others. I wish I could tell you that there are easy answers but you already know that this isn't the case. Do we "follow our hearts" or "do our duty"? Should we choose the safe options or take a leap into the unknown?

photo: Martin Vorel

Life is complex and unpredictable. Yes, I do card readings but I don't deal in predictions, and here's why: Life can be unpredictable, but mostly it isn't! It's so predictable that you really don't need me to tell you what's going to happen. If you keep doing what you always do, yeah, that's right -- you're probably going to keep on getting more of what you're already getting.

Sometimes, it's the complexity of life which keeps us stuck in doing what we always do and getting what we always get. We can't see the forest for the trees. What does that really mean? It's about perspective, about angle, and this is where I believe a reading, and a little help from me to interpret that reading, if you like, can really help. I believe that what the cards do best, at least in my hands, is to give us a fresh angle on things, and when we have that, sometimes it's much easier to break down the walls of fear, or stuckness, or whatever.

If we can get a bird's eye view of the forest, then we can see whether it's a mere two hour hike to get out of there, or whether it's a major journey. We can get a better idea of whether our little forest is the best place for us in our current landscape, or whether the grass really is greener. Likewise, we get a better understanding of our internal landscape. The cards encourage us to look at ourselves in new ways. Like the trees that may obscure our view of the forest as a whole, the labels we put on ourselves, such as "poor", "too old", or "tied down" can get in the way of seeing who we really are.

Believe me when I say that insight into the present is of more value than a prediction of the future. Believe me when I say that understanding yourself is absolutely the best place to begin when trying to change your circumstances. There is no other place to begin. Ultimately, we mostly create our own reality.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also like this video about nature and the Celtic worldview, which uses images from my oracle deck.

People often joke about horsewomen, that their barns are tidier than their houses. I suppose that has described me, at times, but it took on a new level of truth after I made a shrine to the goddess Epona in my feed room. Somehow, creating a sacred space there created a desire in me to make things a little more beautiful. Beautiful might only be a well swept floor and tidy corners in a lowly barn, but it feels good to make it so. It feels good, at the full moon, to enter a clean space, to see the concrete floor gleam a little in the moonlight.

For a variety of reasons, I have had difficulty creating sacred space in my house. I've lived here something like four years now, and haven't been able to figure out where to put an altar. When I lived in Scotland I had a fire (gas) with a nice marble hearth. Without really planning it, that became my altar. It just had a couple of nice statues and candles. In the evenings when I was alone I often sat by the warmth, on the nice rug, and felt close to my gods. Later, when I renovated another room in the house, I made another, similar hearth and did the same.

So what has this got to do with the Cattle card, and it's definition? The other morning, having done my little devotion, I drew a card for meditation, and it was Cattle. Several things connected to sacred space came up for me. I noticed that having created the altar in my bedroom, and using it daily had encouraged me to clean and tidy up in there, and to deal with a long-standing problem of dust blowing in around the old wooden sash windows (which I dearly love). It led me to ponder the questions of sacred space and respect of the sacred self, and if all that I am is connected to all that exists, then in a sense all is sacred and exists in sacred space. This is actually quite hard for me to accept, because I struggle with resistance to my current environment. (Perhaps, in noticing that, I am noticing a key to unlock the thing I am really struggling with!)

When I consciously create a space as sacred, or consciously choose to see all that surrounds me as sacred, I am more likely to be inspired to steward it well. I don't currently have much money to throw at things like this, but when I take a little trouble to clean/repair/paint things that need it - not for the sake of impressing the neighbours, but in an acknowledgement of the sacred - I will always feel better, and those who enter that space will feel better, too. For some readers, I will be stating the obvious, I know. I didn't have the benefit of being raised to think like this, and it doesn't come naturally. For me - it's very exciting to think of it in this way.

Understand that everything is your conspicuous wealth. Your stuff, your health, your family, your friendships. To hold it in sacred space is to steward it. To steward it is a very practical act of honour.

I am the bour tree. I stand on the hillside awaiting spring. I am dead, yet I live. I wait. I am patient. Lashed by rain, shaken by wind, blanketed with snow and riven by frost I wait. As the season softens to mud and warmth I feel my leaf buds growing, soon they begin to unfurl and I can once more drink the sunlight and feel the moist air tickling and teasing them.

In the heat of early summer my flowers open, and I am beautiful. I am decked as a bride and loved and adored by all. The breezes jostle my heavy branches, laden with nectar and pollen, I am a friend to all who buzz and flutter and caress me. Birds have their nests within the world of my branches, and insects also call me home. My fragrance attracts many visitors who are intoxicated by my bounty. I have much to give! Plenty to spare! My blossoms heal the sick and strengthen the blood and wind of the healthy. Take all you need.

Slowly, the petals drop, giving way to little green nodules. In time they increase and grow red, then purple and almost black. The weight of my fruit bows me and cracks at my branches, but I stand firm. The ground beneath my boughs is littered with shed branches and shoots which fell in such battles past - but I live on! Children may make toys from such trifles. Now the birds are thick in my branches, eating their fill, and sharing with some who walk on four legs, and also on two. I am transformed into sweet drinks and food for winter by those ingenious ones.

Now my leaves begin to dry and change colour. They lose their sensitivity and begin to fall to the ground. At my feet, the earth is changing. The soil beings to breath more and more slowly. I long for rest, for clean coldness. The winds come and rip the death rags from me. The sap recedes. I am become bones. Blackened bones. I am dead, yet I live. I wait.